Friday, February 22, 2008

What's funny is we play alot of this stuff...

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

When these songs come on, White People look at each other and say "Awwww yeah" or "Hell yeah" and are compelled to sing along. Sometimes there’s also a corresponding stupid dance move.
Having studied White People for 27 years, my authority on the topic is absolute; this list is damn near bullet proof.

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

10. Positive K - I Got A Man
White People’s most beloved rap duet.
White Girls in particular love this song because it gives them a chance to playfully reject a male suitor’s advances on the dance floor before blowing him at the end of the night. It’s empowering.

9. Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance
Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is "I like my oatmeal lumpy," and "Burger King bathroom."

8. Biz Markie - Just A Friend
Oh my god do White People love this song. Particularly frat boys. Why? I don’t know.
Unlike most of his peers on this list, the Biz is a guy long deep in the hip hop scene with lots of cred, yet to White People he’ll only ever be that fat funny-looking black guy with the wig who sings bad.

7. Young MC - Bust A Move
I believe there is a law that requires this song be played at every Rock n’ Bowl.
Like that the police shut down the bowling alley if it doesn’t comply.

6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock - It Takes Two
Knowing the words up to "I get stupid, I mean outrageous" is standard and unremarkable.Knowing everything up through the hook means you’ll be frenching at 80s Night.

5. Naughty By Nature - Hip Hop Hooray
Before he was shooting porn and marrying/divorcing Pepa (a near miss on this list herself), Treach was teaching White People the world over how to wave their arms from side to side above their heads while singing nursery rhymes.

4. Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is)
Man, what was the fucking story about this song and the other one that came out at exactly the same time by, I believe, 95 South called "Whoot There It Is?" Somebody fucked somebody else over big time there.

3. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
This one song on the list that White People pretend to only like ironically. Don’t be fooled: deep down White People still think Ice is 110% gangsta.
I remember back in the day "battling" another sixth grader at the ice skating rink in who could rap the first verse of this song the fastest. The kid was Asian, so I won.

2. House of Pain - Jump Around
White People will never be completely comfortable with Black Music so anytime they’re given the opportunity to like a song by one of their own race they go fucking overboard (see this record and all five thousand Eminem songs).
If you’ve ever seen Black People comedy, you’ll be familiar with the notion that White People have no rhythm and can’t dance. This is true. That’s why they will embrace with both honky arms any song that makes it OK for them to not actually dance during it or that tells them exactly what to do and when to do it.
If you go to a club and this fucking song comes on all the White People will literally jump around. I fucking promise you.

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back
Go to a karaoke bar - get the song list - check the rap section - if there’s only one song, this is the song - every fucking time, this is the song.
This, like a number of the other rap songs White People love, features prominently sexual themes addressed in a humorous fashion. I think it’s White People’s inherent prudish squareness that makes them get all giddy about "naughty" rapper songs.

Honorable Mention
In no particular alphabetical order:
• 50 Cent: In Da Club - Fiddy!
• Arrested Development: People Everyday - "Tennessee" has the more famous name but it’s not the one that fifteen years later is still being played every night in every club in Ecuador (and probably other backwards countries too). Ditto Madonna’s "Like A Prayer," but that’s a different list.
• Beastie Boys: Girls/Brass Monkey/(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party) - White People collectively love all three of these songs but not individually enough to crack the top ten.
• Black Sheep - The Choice Is Yours (This Or That): Not quite famous enough to make the list, but man is it ever fun to say "You can get with this / or you can get with that" a hundred times in three minutes.
• Juvenile: Back That Ass Up - As you can see, it’s basically impossible for White People to truly love your rap song if it’s less than a decade old. Still, Juvenile got close with this one which features a verse from a significantly Lil’-er Wayne.
• Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz: Get Low - HHH v2 with the arm movements plus what other song lets you yell about jizz to total strangers?
• Nelly: Hot in Herre - Again with the whites getting titillated by suggestive lyrics. Nelly is the white Justin Timberlake.
• Notorious B.I.G.: Big Poppa - You know, ’cause White People can be 350-pound black gangsta romeos too (actually by definition they cannot).
• Puff Daddy: It’s All About The Benjamins - Diddy!
• Tupac Shakur: California Love - Had to have a 2Pac song on this list. I think White People love Pac because he makes them feel like they’ve lost a friend to gang violence.
• Will Smith: Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It - Ironically, just not jiggy enough to make the list (and yes I know Nas wrote it).
• Wreckx-N-Effect: Rump Shaker - Remember the girl playing the saxophone on the beach in this video? Man, the White People were right about this one …

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